Robots in disguise…
Nothing says six weeks off work like rewatching the entire Transformers franchise. Once again with this kind of task, this undertaking had me thinking long and hard about the fact that we only have one life and I have chosen to spend it doing this. That being said, as a Transformers obsessive in my youth, I do have some emotional attachment to this franchise and you know what, some of the films are pretty good too…
8. Transformers: The Last Knight (2017)
At the start of this project, I initially enjoyed watching these movies back to back. When viewed in short succession it adds some much-needed cohesion to the whole enterprise. And then I got to The Last Knight…
This is a terrible film. It’s a bland retread of Age of Extinction which itself was a bland retread of the earlier sequels. Wahlberg sleepwalks through the whole thing. The new characters are forgettable. The action sequences long and unbearable. When people level the criticism that these are films for dumb people, they are thinking of The Last Knight. It’s irretrievably awful.
7. Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)
One devastating pattern in the first batch of Transformers movies is that the worse they are the longer they become. Age of Extinction is nearly three hours long. That is an obscene amount of time for the fourth entry in a franchise that basically only exists to sell toys. This entry is on a much bigger scale than the other three movies but this moves it uncomfortably close to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Nobody wants to see a huge alien spaceship hovering about New York and yet here we are. Age of Extinction also suffers in the casting department. Mark Wahlberg doesn’t fit into this universe as seamlessly as Shia LaBeouf and the manic energy of John Turturro is also sorely missed. In their place, we have a forgettable turn from Stanley Tucci and the introduction of Jack Reynor as the especially irritating Shane Dyson. This is the first entry in the franchise that I would describe as being a bad film. There are enjoyable moments within the monstrous running time but they are few and far between. A shame.
6. The Transformers: The Movie (1986)
As a devotee of Saturday morning cartoons, I adored Transformers (along with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Bucky O’Hare) but I’ve never gone back to those heady days as an adult. Watching the clumsily named The Transformers: The Movie confirmed my worst fears – you simply must be a child to understand and enjoy these cartoons. There is very little plot here but loads of action. There are constant battles, gunfights and chases. It is a well-known fact that this was Orson Welles’ final film role (voicing a character named ‘Unicron’ – a bizarre end for a titan of cinema) but it is perhaps less well established that Nelson Shin’s movie also features the voice talents of Scatman Crothers, Leonard Nimoy and Robert Stack. This imbues the whole project with more gravitas than the incomprehensible plot deserves but there is no denying that the old-school animation still looks beautiful and the pang of nostalgia when hearing the quite frankly ludicrous theme tune kicked in it did fill my heart with joy.
5. Transformers: Dark of the Moon (2011)
The third chapter in the Transformers saga is a mixed bag. It’s too long, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley is a poor man’s Megan Fox and the stuff about Sam not being able to get a job is both tedious and difficult to believe. There is some good stuff here, however. The addition of Sentinal Prime (Leonard Nimoy) adds some much-needed nuance to the straightforward good vs evil narrative that defined the two previous movies. Frances McDormand and John Malkovich elevate the film simply by showing up. This is also the first entry in the franchise that has some genuinely cringeworthy moments. The references to Trump Tower and the appearance of Bill O’ Reilly are one thing but the film’s saccharine conclusion is the biggest sin here. A mixed bag.
4. Transformers: Rise of the Beasts (2023)
Bumblebee was so successful because it dispensed with everything that came before it to stand on its own two feet (more on that later). Rise of the Beasts has a whole new cast led by Anthony Ramos and Dominque Fishback, it has a new director in Steven Caple Jr. (Creed II) and it introduces a bunch of new Transformers while still keeping old favourites Optimus Prime and Bumblebee. Also, Scourge (Peter Dinklage) is the best villain since Megatron and the human characters here are both likeable and memorable. Whether Rise of the Beasts does enough to keep the franchise alive or not remains to be seen, but as Transformers movies go, this one is a solid entry.
3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
While this second entry isn’t a bad film, it is the first time that the Transformers franchise begins to show signs of regression. Fox is marginalised. There are too many transformers to keep track of. Bay tries to solve the problem of visually incoherent fight sequences by rendering everything in slow motion – with limited success. He also leans too far into straight-out comedy. It is an ill fit. The soundtrack is awful also. That being said, LaBeouf continues to be the franchise MVP and there are some striking visual moments. The opening half an hour when Sam first arrives at college is very enjoyable also. Like most films in the franchise, Revenge of the Fallen has peaks and troughs.
2. Transformers (2007)
I hated the first live-action Transformers movie on release because I was a contrarian little bitch but despite some of it being nonsense, it mostly holds together pretty well. Sure, the characterisation of Jazz is problematic and the camera’s constant ogling of Megan Fox doesn’t sit well in 2023, but part of the fun in watching old action movies is noting cultural shifts and changing tides.
Transformers is still the best rendering of the robots themselves in the whole franchise (before it all become one big CGI gloop), it features the introduction of Sam Witwicky and Mikaela Banes (I had to look up Megan Fox’s character name which perhaps nods to how much Bay cared about her personality), it’s the funniest movie in the franchise (shout out to John Turturro and Kevin Dunn) and it also has the best conclusion of any of the live-action entries. All in all, it’s a great success.
1. Bumblebee (2018)
After the dismal Mark Wahlberg entries, there was only one road available to the Transformers franchise. Strip everything right back. By concentrating on Bumblebee (always the least irritating Autobot aside from Optimus Prime), director Travis Knight is able to tell a standalone story that is superior to every other live-action or animated Transformers theatrical release. We have the first truly likeable cast since the first movie with Hailee Steinfeld excellent in the leading role and Pamela Adlon, John Cena and Jason Drucker providing able support. The action sequences are more focused and coherent, the relationship between Bumblebee and Charlie is genuinely poignant and Christina Hodson’s screenplay is the most grown-up of the whole franchise also.
For anyone who looks at these movies and writes them off as being juvenile and facile, this is the film that I would urge those people to watch. A genuinely enjoyable action blockbuster.