Film Review: Moonfall – 0/10

The worst film ever made…

I’ll begin by saying I’m furious. Absolutely furious. Humour me a while. Let me take you behind the curtain. Let me show you how the sausage is made. These reviews always follow the same formula. Intro (context). Plot. Cast. Director. Comparison. Conclusion. Repeat ad infinitum. Part of the reason for this is because I’m lazy, but it’s also because cinema is formulaic. Movies are derivative. There are only seven plots. They all follow the three act structure. So, if those guys won’t think outside of the box sat in their mansions, then I’m not going to do it either when I’m doing this shit for free. In fact, it costs me money to run this website. All this being said… when you see a ‘film’ as stupendously, grotesquely awful as this, it can cause a man to snap. So, there will be no plot described here. No comment on the director. No context provided. Just a hateful diatribe coated in bile and the innards of a dying star. Fuck you, Moonfall.

This is the dumbest, most preposterous ‘film’ I’ve ever seen. It has the worst script in the history of cinema. Imagine all the most excretable lines from every Michael Bay movie. Now, imagine that they are being regurgitated through the mouth of a lifeless crash test dummy with shit smeared on its face. You have just imagined Moonfall. Some of the dialogue here is an insult to cinema. Every single word that comes out of every single character’s mouth is a piece of dogshit. The SFX are terrible. The acting brought me to tears. Even the song playing over the end credits caused my cat to leave the room in disgust. I hated every single character with the fury of a thousand suns, and was absolutely disgusted that they all survived to the end (this is not a spoiler, this is already absolutely spoilt beyond recognition).

This is probably the first and last time that I will write this sentence, but this film had absolutely no redeeming features. Not one. There wasn’t a single moment that didn’t harden my heart and make me ache for a time in my life before I had seen this movie. Forget The Mothman Prophecies. We have a new winner. Moonfall is the worst film of all time and one of the worst things to happen to the human race. I hated it and I still hate it. I hate everyone involved in it. A disaster movie? You’re damn right. A disaster in every single sense of the word. Now, let’s never speak of it again.