‘Roses are red, Violets are Blue, They’ll need dental records to identify you…’
2001’s Valentine is often lumped in with the glut of post-Scream slasher movies that were all the rage at the turn of the millennium. While it boasts future Scream alumni in Marley Shelton (Judy Hicks from Scream 4 and 5) and in Jamie Blanks a director behind one of the key ’90s slashers (Urban Legend), Valentine has got more in common with low-tier ’80s slashers like Prom Night, Sleepaway Camp and My Bloody Valentine…
We begin with a preposterous flashback sequence in which a dorky boy is humiliated at junior prom because none of the girls will dance with him. Many years later, we meet these same girls all grown up as portrayed by Shelton, Denise Richards, Jessica Capshaw and Katherine Heigl. Each of them supposedly has their own distinct personality but I found it difficult to tell them all apart as the movie progressed. None of them are given much to work with but Richards perhaps fares best as she at least seems to understand the type of movie she’s making. Namely, a bad one.
So, no. This isn’t like Scream. It doesn’t take place in a high school, it doesn’t attempt to ape Kevin Williamson’s iconic script and it’s not trying to make any kind of meta commentary on the genre. Indeed, Valentine isn’t commenting on anything. It’s a strictly by-the-numbers, garden-variety slasher movie that you don’t see much of anymore. They’ve been replaced by generic ghost stories in the wake of the success of Insidious and The Conjuring and that’s a shame because the mystery element of these movies combined with the often insane plotting at least ensures that most slashers aren’t boring. Having said that, I was willing this thing to finish by the time the third act rolled around and needless to say the ending is total horseshit. When the credits roll, one would imagine that the director of a slasher movie isn’t hoping for total bewilderment as the audience response. Well, this is how I felt here. Confused. Angry. Slight hungry. That last one might not be the fault of the film but nevertheless, it’s a shitty ending and I will also add that it is no surprise that David Boreanas never made anything of himself cinematically. He’s fine as Angel in the Buffy franchise but this film drives home his utter lack of range or nuance.
Valentine is a bad film. It’s good fun for an idle Valentine’s Day evening but it’s still a bad film. If you simply must watch a horror film on this most meaningless of holidays (and I must) then make it My Bloody Valentine – a far superior film in every way to this hot garbage.