‘This doesn’t happen! Four Americans on a vacation don’t just disappear…’
Every cinema fan knows that sinking feeling. That awful feeling when you finally carve out some time to watch a film. You settle in. Pour a beer. Arrange a few snacks. Fight off the existential dread. Then the credits roll. The film begins. But then. Disaster. Surely not? I haven’t have I? Yes… I’ve seen this fucking thing before. Well, that’s what happened with me and The Ruins. And what’s worse, is that it’s a distinctly average eco-horror movie no matter how many times you watch it…
Two young American couples (played by Jonathan Tucker, Jena Malone, Shawn Ashmore and Laura Ramsey) arrive on vacation in Mexico and almost immediately agree to follow a random German fellow (Joe Anderson) as he attempts to locate his missing brother. They soon arrive at the ruins of a Mayan Temple where they are attacked by… an outbreak of flesh eating vines. Sigh.
Anyone who watched the infamous tree rape scene in The Evil Dead and thought to themselves, I’d like a full film of that please (what the hell is wrong with you?), will absolutely adore The Ruins. Any normal person will probably find it bland and derivative. Malone is an actor whose work I always enjoy, and she tries her best with what she is given here, but she cannot turn lead into gold, and there is simply not enough here in terms of plot, narrative or performance to make The Ruins a worthwhile experience. While there are some pleasingly gnarly scenes involving the kind of plant based body horror that David Cronenberg would be proud of, the plot beats are too predictable and characters too dull to ever capitalise on the admittedly pretty entertaining visual effects.
I already watched The Ruins once and forgot about it so if this review serves any purpose at all it will be as a record of the fact that I have definitely watched The Ruins (twice), and now I never need to watch it again.
