‘Literature is my solace in the solitude…’
Have you ever seen something so awful that you simply cannot look away? Like a man picking his nose and eating it or 90% of SNL sketches? Well, Miller’s Girl is that. It’s 93 minutes of some of the most pretentious, unbearable nonsense that it’s ever been my misfortunate to witness. I don’t know where to start…
The Miller in question is Jonathan Miller (Martin Freeman), a sad sack English teacher and failed writer (aren’t we all) who strikes up an unlikely (and incredibly inappropriate) relationship with one of his students – a character who is so annoying that even her name is grating. Cairo Sweet. Just typing it made me cringe. Anyway, she’s portrayed by Jenna Ortega, and while both of the leads do their best, this is the worst thing that either of them have been involved in. Elsewhere, Gideon Adlon plays Cairo’s ridiculous best friend Winnie and Bashir Salahuddin plays Mr Miller’s friend and fellow admirer of young girls, Boris.
Now, I can cope with implausibility if there is something else that makes a suspension of disbelief worthwhile. There is none of that here. The attempt at a southern gothic setting doesn’t excuse a plot that would have been rejected by the Brothers’ Grimm for being too unrealistic. A fairytale this ain’t. The real issue here, however, is the dialogue. First-time (and hopefully last-time) writer-director Jade Halley Bartlett thinks that she is writing something layered, nuanced and literary. What she has actually produced is second-rate Kevin Williamson, third-rate Joss Whedon and fourth-rate Aaron Sorkin. The literary allusions are strained, forced and utterly asinine. All the characters are detestable. The plot is nonsensical, dull and ends with a thud rather than a bang. There were moments here in which a line of dialogue made me audibly wince. Credit to Freeman and Ortega for making a go of it but I also can’t for the life of me understand why they signed on in the first place.
Look, I get it, making a movie is incredibly difficult, and as much as it pains me to criticise anyone in the arts with such reckless abandon, this film deserves to be trashed. Trash begets trash. In other words, if you’re going to put this out into the world, I am afraid you must face the consequences. Surprisingly, I would actually urge any budding filmmaker to watch Miller’s Girl to learn how not to write a screenplay. If you find your work edging dangerously close to Miller’s Girl territory then you must take your screenplay and burn it immediately. Don’t just throw it in the bin. Burn that piece of trash to high heaven.
Miller’s Girl is not just the worst film I’ve seen this year, it’s also one of the worst films I’ve ever seen in my life. Irredeemable garbage.
