Normally I would write a quote from the film here. This film doesn’t deserve one…
You might have heard of Nancy Meyers. She is a big time Hollywood writer/director. Here is a montage of some of her movie posters:
Now, there must be people out there who like these films. They must exist. I have no idea who they are though, and the prospect of meeting them terrifies me. Who looks at all those shit eating grins and becomes excited? I have never seen a Nancy Meyers film other than The Holiday. I will strive to ensure that this remains the case, because this film is truly, excruciatingly awful.
Let’s deal with the cast first of all. Jude Law is a weird guy. He looks weird. This means that by extension he can play weird. He is brilliant when portraying a robot gigolo or a narcissistic pontiff, but when he tries to play a normal person he looks like he is going to malfunction or power down. Quite frankly he terrified me in this film. Part Patrick Bateman, part T-1000, at one point Law puts a napkin on his head to create a comedy character for his daughters. It was literally the most frightening thing I have seen on screen this year. Then we have Jack Black who I think is trying to be charming, but in actual fact spends most of the movie wandering around smiling that smile that people wear when somebody says something to them that they haven’t quite heard. You know that smile that you do when you are thinking: Was that a question they asked me? Or were they just making a statement?
Kate Winslett and Cameron Diaz are even worse. There has never in the history of the world existed two women like this. They talk to themselves constantly. They reference their own personality quirks seemingly at random. They make decisions that could only make sense in the midst of a huge mental breakdown. The whole thing is bizarre. Truly bizarre.
Who the hell is this film even for? We watch cinema either to escape our reality or to see it represented on screen. If anyone feels like they are being represented by The Holiday please don’t get in touch. I can’t imagine the kind of person that would enjoy a film that is based in the normal human world, but is so far removed from reality that the result is closer to an episode of Black Mirror than a nice festive film for the whole family to enjoy.
I don’t want to labour the point here, but at the moment it feels like The Holiday has ruined my Christmas. I’ve become a nervous wreck. I’m too afraid to open my advent calendar in case I find Jude Law’s smirking face hiding behind the chocolate. I wake up in a cold sweat at the prospect of Jack Black tumbling down my chimney, smiling that vacant smile, as he crashes his way onto my living room carpet like a drunken rhinoceros.
Joking aside, this is the nadir. The very worst one. Out of all the Christmas films I have ever seen, The Holiday is the absolute lowest of the low. Watch literally any other Christmas film instead.
As the final word and indeed the final insult, this film is over two hours long. What kind of world allows that to happen?
Christmas is cancelled. Someone tell Jesus.